Forgiveness: Letting go of Anger and Hurt.

I know it's been almost a month since I last posted.  Please forgive me.

Actually, I've had some very deep thoughts lately on forgiveness, what it means, why we should do it, and why it's so powerful.  I saw on the local news the other day a story about The Forgiveness Project and it got me to thinking.  "What is forgiveness really?" It's a very complex thing, and it shouldn't be summarized in one posting.  But, I'm going to try.

Forgiveness can be one of the most powerful things you can do for another person, and for yourself.  And since it's Easter Sunday, it seemed appropriate to talk about forgiveness today.  I woke up this morning thinking about it.  There is a reason the story of Easter is about forgiveness and rebirth.  Because that's what forgiving somebody or yourself is all about; rebirth.  Starting over with a clear conscience, an open heart, and a certain mental calmness that allows us to be the best we can be.


However, we put a number of obstacles in the way of rebirth through forgiveness.  Anger is one of those obstacles.  You can't enter into forgiveness lightly, and well, we need to be honest about why we're doing it or not.  I posted a while ago about honesty, and as I look back on it now, it was a clumsy posting that could have used a few revisions.  But, here's the bottom line on honesty; be brutally honest with yourself.  Do not say cliche things and think that's good enough.

Here's an example of what I mean.  We've all said the following words to ourselves at some point.

"I'm not ready to forgive yet."

Bullshit.  You're always ready to forgive.  What that sentence really means is "I still want and choose to be angry at that person."  That's right.  We're being selfish when we say things like that.  We are choosing to be angry.  I think we do this because it's what is expected of us.  We think that if somebody hurts us, they do it on purpose, and for some strange reason, we're taught to believe holding a grudge is an admirable thing.  It is not admirable in any way.  Forgiveness is far more admirable than holding someone accountable for the hurt they've caused us.  Forgiveness is a far more powerful emotion than anger.  Anger tears us down and coddles hurt in our hearts.  Forgiveness releases that hurt and allows us to be the person we really want to be.  Good people forgive.  Petty people stay angry.

Anger is a powerful emotion.  And a necessary one.  Anger helps us fight back at a perceived threat.  It helps us understand ourselves and what we stand for.  But, we have to be brutally honest about why we're angry about something.  About the hurt that anger is masking.  For example, I get angry when I'm embarrassed.  It's important that I look at my anger and truly understand the core reason why I'm angry about something.  But, there comes a point when we're choosing to be angry long past it's usefulness.  Sometimes that moment is minutes, sometimes it's months.  Sometimes, in cases of deep hurt, it can last for years.

I'm going to share something deeply personal here.  When I was 12, my Dad left my Mom and I.  Stranded us on an island and exited out of our lives.  Literally, he took us on a family vacation to Barbados, and on the first night, told my Mom he was leaving her, caught the first plane out of town and headed to Pittsburgh to live with another woman.  That night, he set in motion a set of circumstances which would change my life forever and shape who I am today.  This goes along with the thin threads of my life. Y'see, if Dad hadn't have walked away, I would not ever have eventually lived in Pittsburgh.  I would not have known the love of a real family.  That "other woman"?  I love her like she was a mother to me.  And I have brothers and a sister who care about me and miss me when I'm not there.  I was an only child and did not have a wide family relationship until I moved there with my Dad.  My Mom and I have always been very close, absolutely.  I think the world of her.  But, the family that accepted me as one of their own in Pittsburgh was so large.  Siblings, and Aunts and Uncles, and cousins and steplings.  It was completely different than what I was used to.  Jump ahead a few decades, and next month, I get the opportunity to attend the university graduation ceremony of my Big Little Girl in Pittsburgh.  An event that makes me so ridiculously happy to be a part of.  An event that wouldn't be happening in either of our lives if Dad hadn't left us in the first place. So Dad, I forgive you.  It's okay.  You did what you did, and despite the hurt and pain of it all at that moment in my life, your choice to leave has ended up giving me the joy of a rich fabric of my life.  Your decision changed the lives of so many people, and in mine, gave me the joy of family, even if I didn't see it at the time.  But, I cannot be joyful about those things unless I let go of the anger and forgive him first for that time of hurt.  I forgave him years ago.

My Wife and I have tried to teach our children to forgive and to ask for it as well.  When one of our kids says sorry, it's expected the sorry is followed up with "Please forgive me."  It's really hard to stay mad at somebody if they ask you to forgive them.  Asking that is somehow far more powerful and disarming than a simple sorry.  It is a recognition that you have caused the other person some hurt.  And here's the really amazing thing; when forgiveness is asked for and given, magically the issue seems to melt away.  There is a calmness between the two people and they can move on to heal the hurt.  The person asking to be forgiven is signalling they understand the severity of their mistake.  The person offering the forgiveness is signalling the other person is valid and deserves to be treated like a human being with respect.  And then they can move on, to either fix what was done, or to learn a lesson about what not to do, and become better people for it.  These aren't just words people.  Forgiveness is truly a powerful force which helps people move on with their lives.

It's also a two way street.  Forgiveness helps heal the person giving it and receiving it.  All at the same time.  And once you do it a few times, just like anything else, it gets easier to do over and over.  It takes practice.

There are rules to forgiving.

1. Once we forgive, we can never, ever take it back.  This is serious.  If we forgive, we can't throw the situation back into the other persons' face 6 months later.  We just can't.  Because to do so undermines our integrity as a person.  You have become a liar.
2. Forgiveness is unconditional.  We can never say, "I will forgive you if you do this." or in any way place any conditions upon it.  We are to offer forgiveness freely with no strings attached.  If there are strings attached, we are still harbouring some resentment.  Forgiveness is all about letting that go.  Holding on to anger is selfish.  As well, the person receiving forgiveness from us must know in their heart that it's unconditional.  If they harbour any sort of doubt that for some reason we did not really mean to forgive, they cannot heal. 
3. If somebody asks for our forgiveness, we must offer it.  We must.  This is non-negotiable.  At that moment, we hold the heart and soul of another human being in our hands.  To stomp on it and tell them they are not worthy of our forgiveness is quite possibly the greatest insult we can do to another human being.  To not offer it once asked, ensures the anger and hurt lives in our hearts.  Being filled with anger is no way to live.
4. Yes, even when somebody shoots and kills a son, we need to forgive.  The life of Dale Lang is a testimony of the restorative and powerful impact of forgiving.  It allows us to move on; to do something good for others and not wallow in our own self pity and anger.  Forgiveness allows us to release our hurt and get on with our lives.  There is no event so heinous that forgiveness is not an appropriate response for.
5. We must offer forgiveness, even if we feel there is nothing to forgive for.  When my Big Little Girl visited us last year, she forgave me for giving her up for adoption.  In her mind, there was nothing to forgive.  She had lead a good life.  She was given opportunities that I would never have been able to give her had I kept her.  But, I needed to hear it from her.  I needed to get over the guilt and shame that I carried that somehow I had ruined her life.  And she was the only person on the face of the earth who could do that for me.  Receiving her forgiveness allowed me to finally put that guilt and shame in the past and move on to be the man I was meant to be.
6. Humble yourself.  Stop thinking that forgiveness is a sign of weakness.  Actually, it is a sign of utmost strength.  There are people in our lives who are carrying hurts because they haven't been forgiven.  To allow those people to continue hurting because we can't bring ourselves to forgive them is an incredibly arrogant and selfish thing to do.  We don't have the right to condemn a person to self-doubt, shame, guilt and a variety of other hurts because we're too good to offer forgiveness.  This is a gift.  On the flip side, be humble and ask for forgiveness too.  We are stronger, better people when we can put ourselves in another person's skin and recognize when we've caused them hurt.  It's very humbling to do this, but very necessary.  Do not be afraid to ask for forgiveness first.  In almost any conflict, we have done something wrong to the other person.  It's okay to humble yourself and step up to the plate to ask for forgiveness to get the healing started.  Opening the dialogue with a humble and sincere request for forgiveness allows the other person to let their guard down.  Yes, it's scary.  Yes, it's a leap of faith that you won't get crushed.  But, if you don't ask, you can never really say you tried.

Forgiveness allows us to heal, be reborn, and develop deep, rich, trusting, strong, wonderful relationships.  Why wouldn't we want that?

Good people forgive.  Petty people stay angry.

Which kind of person do you want to be?