Sometimes we talk about honesty and what it means to be honest. Obviously, we should not lie or tell stories. That's a given. But, we need to learn how to honest with ourselves as well. That is the flipside we often give lip service to.
I'm not talking about those little white lies we tell to spare someone's feelings. Obviously, those can be hurtful too. What I want to talk about is the need to be brutally honest with ourselves.
In times of retrospect, you have to break down your real feelings about something. Most often, the first reaction or thought is a surface or knee jerk reaction to something. We must strive to think deeper and break those initial emotions down.
As an example, I've been thinking a lot lately about why I have difficulty asking for help with things. Why I feel the need to do things on my own. Initially, the first thought is a standard "fear of rejection". This is common. Why don't I make that call to that customer? Why don't I follow up with people? Sure, there is a fear somebody will say no. But, when I break it down even further, I realized that I'm like this because I don't feel I have the right to ask somebody for their input. As if I'm bothering them or interrupting their day and forcing them to focus on me. Obviously, this is the wrong way of looking at things. But, understanding this quirk allows me to get past that fear and emotion and deal with it. No, I'm not a bother to someone else. I have something legitimate to talk about. And when framed in that way, I can move past it.
I came to understand this process as I thought about why I had hiccup days with my Big Little Girl. I have a 21 year old daughter. She was placed for adoption as an infant, and she found me 16 years later. We have spent a lot of time and effort building a relationship. It hasn't always been easy, and I have let her down in many ways. But she is forgiving and allows us to make mistakes together. She came to visit me this past spring, and when she left, I would have these horrible days of heartache that I didn't quite understand. We called these hiccup days. Sure, on the surface, I was missing her. She is a part of me, and it seemed reasonable to think that I was simply missing her. But, I miss a lot of people in my life, and that feeling...that ache, never manifested itself in me with any other person. So, I broke it down. Why did I miss her? In depth. The reason I missed her so strongly was a nagging feeling that I might never see her again. That she could leave the relationship and leave me behind. Once I understood that deeper reason, I could deal with those days. I don't have those brutal aching days nearly as often anymore, and when I do, I reassure myself that she is not leaving. She's not leaving, because I'm not leaving. This makes it easier to deal with, and gives me the confidence to get through those days.
This also applies to anger. When someone is angry with us, it's probably for a reason. No, it's always for a specific reason. Put your ego aside and think carefully about why they're angry with you. You will start with the superficial reason behind the anger. "She said this and this." Usually though, that's not deep enough. Take it a step further. "I let this person down because they had this particular expectation of me, and I didn't live up to that" This is no time for your ego to get in the way. Understand what your actions meant and how they were interpreted by someone else. Somewhere, you will find an expectation that was missed. Always. Get out of your own way and honestly deal with what caused the situation. Once you understand it, the situation becomes much easier to get past. Oh, and don't be afraid to apologize. Once again, there was a reason this person was angry with you. And when you sit and think about the real reasons behind the anger, it makes the apology so much more sincere and heartfelt. And as a consequence, much easier to move on from.
So, when we start to think about why we do the things we do or feel the way we do, take some time. Take that first reason you think of and dig deep into what that really means.
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