Disposable Fatherhood

I've been thinking a lot about fatherhood these days.  I've been culling a lot of information about fathers lately; absent fathers; disposable fathers.  They seem to be everywhere in front of me lately, and I have something to say about it.

I was one of them.  A disposable father.  Cut off from my children, until I was able to meet someone who wanted to build a family with me.  And let me tell you something, what we do to fathers in our society can be deplorable.



First, there's this poor guy.  I cannot believe a person could be so callous as to actually carry a man's baby and never tell him about it.  Imagine finding out years after a relationship ended that you created a life, and were never, ever considered in the decisions affecting that child?  That would be a horrendous thing to have to deal with.  Why?  Because, besides the bad reputation men have honestly come by in some cases, the vast majority are actually just as decent as human beings as the vast majority of women are.  Yep, men think differently.  Yep, we annoy the crap out of our spouses.  Oh well.  That doesn't mean we don't care about our children.

And I could never hope to achieve the level of clarity on this topic as this guy does.

I don't know if you've heard, but there is a scandal brewing in Canada over forced adoptions.  It's similar to what happened in Australia, where there was actually a government inquiry and perhaps a real apology from those involved on the way.  In reading these heartbreaking stories, I was a little jaded.  For every mother who was lied to, coerced, and forced to give up their children, there was a father who suffered a very similar loss. 

We've all heard about deadbeat dads, runaway dads, and other miscreant males.  We know those exist.  Now, bear with me and hear me out on this; We, as a society, have created these disposable Dads.  Our society teaches men that the Mother has absolute power over her children.  After all, her womb, her kids, right?  Wrong.  We have imbalanced the family to the point where men feel absolutely powerless when presented with choices about their children.  Men give up far too easily because that is what is expected of them.  They walk away because they are actually under pressure to do exactly that; walk away.  We have told men to be more family oriented, but they better not dare try to fight for their children when things go sideways.  In other words, we get to be Dads only on the Mom's terms.

On of my wife's best friends has a 17 year old daughter who's pregnant.  When I found out, I asked my wife, "Where's the Dad?"

"They sent him away.  Told him he wasn't wanted.  Told him to get lost."

That made me very angry.  Why would they do that?  And I heard the litany of excuses that are often trotted out in these situations.
"He's a loser." Well, so's the daughter then.
"He doesn't have a job."  Neither does the daughter.
"He's just a stupid boy."  And she's a stupid girl.

And it gets worse.  When they found out from an ultrasound that she is pregnant with a boy, they really made sure he knew he wasn't welcome.  Because they didn't want him around to "cause trouble", whatever the hell that means.  As if standing up for his rights as a father is somehow "causing trouble".

Seriously, why does she get more consideration and leeway than he does?  Because she's the mom.  It's her womb.  I say, "So what?"

I thought back to that fall/winter of 1989/90 when my girlfriend was pregnant with my Big Little Girl.  We had precisely one long discussion about what to do.  She decided adoption was best.  I agreed.  And then I was left completely out of the process.  The next time I was ever involved was when I got the court summons to appear at the adoption proceedings.  Because I had been fooled into thinking that what I felt was somehow irrelevant, I didn't go.  I doubt things would have been different.  Big Little Girl would still have been given up for adoption, most likely.  But, I just wish someone had just once said to me "Y'know, you do have a voice.  You do have the right to be involved.  This IS your child too.  You get to have some input on the choices being made."  Nobody ever said that to me.  In fact, the only thing I was told was, "Go away, and don't EVER come back."  This was from my girlfriend's father.  So I did what I was told, and went away.  I promise you this is far more common than we give credit for.  We tell boys to get lost in these situations.  We make them feel like they are 100% at fault, when in fact, they are at most 50%.

And I will tell you this; there is a bond between father and child.  Society worships the Mother and feels her pain and supports her and talks about the bond of a mother.  I look at my children and know in my heart that my bond with them is as real for me as it is for my wife.  I love my kids.  All of them.  With a depth of emotion that can't be put into words.  But, when the situation was tough, I was dismissed.  Sent away.  And that is a lifelong pain as real as those mothers who had their children taken from them.  We talk about birthmothers and the pain they endure in connecting with their lost children.  Fathers seem detached from the whole equation.  Because we've made them disposable.  We as a society have taught men to walk away because they have nothing to contribute.  That couldn't be further from the truth.

We Fathers care about our kids.  They are just as much a part of us as they are a part of their mothers.  We should not expect men to just stand idly by and watch their children get farmed out without any say in what happens.  We need to stop thinking that men don't care.  We do.  Very much.  We want the best for our children, regardless of whether we get to keep them or not.   And we need to stop vilifying men who actually cut through the lies and fight for their children.  They are being a Father, not a monster. Being a Father is every much a noble thing as being a Mother.  It's a calling in life.  A chance to do something greater than we are by ourselves.  A chance to form a legacy.  And when we shoo away fathers for whatever reason, we cause pain and heartbreak to those men and the children they helped create.  Every kid should know where they came from.  Some Dads are broken.  Some Dads need to grow up some.  Some Dads are just scared and confused.  And we need to make them part of our children's lives right from the very start.  Our children deserve that.  Men deserve that.

We are not disposable.